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3 Signs That You May Not Have Been in Actual Love

By: Leah Hovey

At the beginning of a relationship, everything seems new, exciting and filled with promise. It can be easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of a new romantic partner but as most know, love can fade overtime. When you find real, true love with a person both of you can overcome problems together while still staying committed. But if you were never in love with your partner to begin with, the relationship may fade away. Maybe the passion you once had was fuelled by lust that disguised itself as love, or maybe you entered into a relationship young and you have outgrown each other. Whatever the situation may be, sorting out your feelings is imperative to going forward in the relationship.

Hopefully by the end of this article, you will have more insight into a relationship you were previously in or you will gain insight into a current relationship. Letting go may not be easy, but at the end of the day, it is not fair to hold onto a relationship just because you have invested time in it. You may love your partner and know they are a good person, however, loving who a person is and being in love with them are very different. You deserve to be happy and so does your partner. Here are the 3 biggest indicators that you may not have truly been in love with your partner.

1. You moved too fast with your partner

Jumping into a new relationship can be filled with excitement. Sometimes we can become so caught up in imagining a future with this person we do not stop to truly evaluate our emotions. Infatuation can sometimes cloud our judgment and make us move too quickly. It is important to note while moving quickly or having a ‘rebound relationship’ does not always end poorly (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2015) it can be problematic to rush the relationship. This meaning that developing a relationship can take time and sometimes individuals put their dreams of marriage, moving in together, children or other important steps of commitment first. Basing your relationship off of your future dreams as opposed to who the person in front of you is can be harmful to both of you (Chatel, A, 2018). If you put the dreams you had first and moved quickly by idealizing these dreams it can bring on a sense of false security to both of you.

2. You had an ‘ideal image’ of them

When dating, we all try our best to impress our partners or show them our best sides. Once the relationship moves forward, true colours show. This is not a bad thing. In order to find a true connection we have to love all the parts of our partner, not just the best parts. However, sometimes we have an image of who we think our partners are and once the relationship moves forward we realize they are not who we idealized them to be. We also tend to put our own expectations onto our partners and when they fail it can disappoint us which leads to relationship dissatisfaction (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2017). Expecting a partner to be everything we need and want is unrealistic and can lead to tension within relationships.

3. You've become distant

You and your partner may have spent a considerable amount of time together, but if you find yourself growing more distant from them this can show a lack of intimacy (Betchen, 2018). If you find you are avoiding seeing them often, cancelling plans with them a lot or choosing other things before them (i.e friends, outings, social media) this could be a sign that you truly do not want to be spending time with them.


Betchen, S. (2018, March 2). 6 Signs of Falling Out of Love with a Partner. Psychology Today. Retrieved November 20, 2018.

Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(1), 99-118.

Chatel, A. (2018, April 27). The Difference Between Infatuation And Love, According A Relationship Expert. Bustle. Retrieved November 20, 2018.

Vannier, S. A., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2017). Passion, connection, and destiny: How romantic expectations help predict satisfaction and commitment in young adults’ dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(2), 235-257.

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